I Shaved My Head!

On my 16th birthday, all I wanted to do was shave my head. Instead I had an elaborate Sweet 16 where I bussed 150 of my closest friends from New Jersey to Staten Island. It was just like that MTV show, My Super Sweet 16, except I did not get a car at the end. I was thrilled to have this party, but I knew the one gift that I really wanted (my mom taking me to the salon to get my head shaved) was never going to happen. My mom was very into me fitting into society's norm of what it meant to “be a girl” and I tried to break that view of hers in every single way possible. I am not sure if I ever won though, jury is still out on that one and they will never come back with an answer considering we stopped speaking over a year ago.

The truth is, I never really wanted to be society’s definition of a girl. To be honest I don’t think I ever wanted to be a girl at all, but not in the sense of like I do not feel that I am in the right body, more in the sense of that I was envious that boys had something that I did not; an ease and effortless to looking and being “cool.” In my mind, prior to living with a man, I always believed that boys woke up, rolled out of bed, put on a pair of pats and a shirt that they had thrown somewhere, brushed their hair and immediately looked cool. I still sometimes believe that to be true, though I do live with a man who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do. That ease was something I always envied and always wanted. Instead I woke up at least an hour earlier than necessary to make myself give off that air of “cool.”

I knew my life would be better, much better if I accepted myself for who I was and just made the change to accept myself. Still though, I forced myself to continue to fit in society’s girls standards and kept my hair long. I hated it. Everyday I woke up with a burden attached to my head and every night I went to sleep with that same burden still attached to me, but maybe 100 pieces lesser. I hated having to deal with it. It never looked right and I always just felt so uncomfortable in my own skin because I was not embracing exactly who I was.

Through all of this, I still wanted to shave my head. I have probably surveyed my friends 100 times each about what each of them would think if I actually did it. The dumbest thing I did was listen to them. They constantly would go back at me with statements such as, “you will look like a boy because you don’t wear a lot of makeup.” I knew they were right, but it was also kind of what I wanted so I just constantly was fighting with myself about what to do. I always chose the ladder, the easier answer and I kept my hair long. Even through my 4 years of art school and living in Manhattan, I still kept it long. Miserably happy, I tied it up in a ponytail and made the “best of it.” I cannot even remember the last time I actually wore my hair down.

I honestly can’t tell you what made me create a Facebook status on June 21 that read, “If I get 500 likes by next Thursday I will shave my head @buzzforkids.” I was just sitting at my desk researching foundations such as One Mission and St. Baldricks instead of doing my work and decided that this is the year that I should shave my head and collect money for children who have been diagnosed with Cancer. The whole adding social media into it was mostly a joke, but it really became the driving force for how this happened. Within minutes I had a lot of engagement on the post and I thought to myself, “oh shit, I think this is really gonna happen.” I went to yoga and asked my teacher what she thought about it, she was totally into it. She said something along the lines of be having the personality for it. As if you need a certain personality to have a haircut, but I understood what she meant. By day two there was so much more engagement and people who I had not spoken to in years began sharing it on their Facebooks and Instagram. At this point I realized that I had the support of all of these people to do this. Getting their support was easy though. It was my family who was going to be the struggle.

At this point, I knew my dad, sister, step mom and brother had already seen it but no one had said anything about it. I guess they thought it was a joke. When I asked my sister about it, she made a statement about how I wouldn’t be able to find a new job if I did not have hair. I got what she was saying, but also called her bullshit. She then just told me to do what I wanted. My brother on the other hand was thrilled. In his 12 year old mind, this was the coolest thing that anyone has ever done. He was the one who informed me that my dad was actually angry about me wanting to shave my head. He even made an off handed comment that I would not be allowed to come home if I did this. I even threatened with more tattoos and he was still stuck on be shaving my head. When I finally spoke to him, he took back that statement, told me it was silly and said I shouldn’t do it, but I could do whatever I wanted, similar to my sister. My step mom thought it was cool and was actually kind of into it. Not having the full support of my family was actually very upsetting to me, but considering that I am now writing this and I have shaved my head, it did not sway me any.

My boyfriend on the other hand, was probably the most supportive in all of this. We did not really talk much about it but I just knew that he was pretty into it. He knew that it was something I always wanted. He mainly responded with, “if you want this, I want this,” even while I was torturing him with countless questions and asking him if he would still love me. He obviously responded that he would. One big change and a haircut isn’t worth a five and a half year relationship.

The likes died down eventually when we were about 100 away and to be honest with you I am not entirely sure if I even made it to 500. By that point I knew so many people were on board and I was just going to do it. On Thursday afternoon I had scheduled an appointment at Judy Jetson Salon and there was no turning back. I realised though that I had not raised awareness or money for a charity, and I wanted to raise money, so I started collecting money via Venmo and started one of those new Facebook Donation things. The donation is not closed yet but by Friday afternoon, I had raised just about $200. I was so excited. I called my dad and expressed to him how much money we had raised in 1 day. He came back at me about some twerpy 10 year old on Staten Island who raised $5,000 in a week. Jury is still out on if this is true, when I asked my brother about this he knew no such experience. I became so irrationally angry with my dad. I was walking through Harvard Square screaming at the phone to the point where people started looking. I Just could not understand why he did not want to accept the person that I wanted to be, the person that I am. I had a full blown panic attack, reached out to some friends and then I was back to thinking that this was a good idea. I was going to shave my head.

I spent the rest of the day anxiously cleaning my house and preparing for the biggest change in my life. I even took a shower before I left for the haircut so that I could feel my hair one last time. At 4:35 we began walking to the salon. I have never been so scared for something in my life. I continued to ask my boyfriend if he would still love me and texted my sister that I was scared he was going to leave me because I would no longer look like a typical “girl.” My sister assured me I was being an asshole.

I decided I would live stream the whole experience, that way my fans could see it happening in real time. I met my hair stylist, we set up my phone, she put the cape around my and it began. It was honestly the quickest experience. Within seconds, she had cut about 6 inches of hair off (which I was really into that length) and then she got the buzzer ready. We talked about shaving it longer first and then going shorter. The shaving took longer than expected and my hair really did not like the buzzer so it actually kind of hurt. It was later expressed to me that I have interesting growing patterns and that is why the buzzer was having a harder time. She cut it to a 6 and when we washed it, but I didn’t love it, so we went to a 4 and I was IN LOVE. I was thrilled, I was finally me. My first thought was, “I never have to wear a headband or a hat with a tight bun to allude not having any hair,” I actually did not have any hair. This was the best thing that had happened to me in years.

After the haircut I went to get dinner and stopped into an old place of work to get my last tips that I never picked up. They did not realize that anything had changed. It took me having to say something for them to realize. That experience really solidified that this is what I was supposed to look like all along. Later on, I had a photoshoot and posted them on my instagram story. I had an overwhelming amount of responses from people who I know from different parts of my life. Everyone was thrilled and so supportive of my decision. They were so accepting and they all kept telling me they were proud of me, which was unexpected. As I am writing this, I realize that it is possible these people knew that I was so uncomfortable with pretending I was down with fitting into “girl norms” and I actually had the balls to make a change. At the end of the day, I even got my dad on board. Though shook, still on board.

The following day, I went to the beach with my friends. My first experience of being bald in public. It was scary, but I have seriously never felt more comfortable. Even through all the people on the beach staring at me, I was just so happy to be me for the first time in my life and to accept the person that I actually am. Not super feminine, not super masculine but somewhere just nice and cushy in between.

If you are interested in donating, you can donate through this link: https://www.facebook.com/donate/215429315944572/?fundraiser_source=external_url It will be open until the end of July.

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