Conquering My Fears

As I have gotten older, I have realized that I have more fears than I had when I was younger. What is that about?! Most of you are probably shaking your head thinking to yourself, “you’re more self aware, dingus” or “you are thinking more about getting hurt because you are older and you know what happens.” Yes, I totally get that, but these fears are irrational and are mainly just an extension of my anxiety so this year I plan to knock them down like bowling pins because the list seriously goes on and on. Heights, flying, the ocean, small spaces, darkness, getting taken. (I am so basic it hurts my soul sometimes).

The first one I have chosen to kick off the summer was my fear of the ocean. As a New Jersey Native, having a fear of the ocean is laughable. I still do not know how I made it living there as long as I did and never going in the ocean. The reason I am so scared of the ocean is that is never ends, but when you think about it like the tide is depicted by the moon and like the whole ocean has not even been explored yet. I agree with myself when I say I have every right to be scared of this HUGE body of water.

The last time I went into the ocean was in Dover, Delaware when I was there about 3 years ago for a graduation party. Everyone had gone to the beach before the party started and I had protested going in the ocean. I told everyone I was with that I refused, which you can imagine went over like a wet fart in church. They all really wanted me to have fun and not miss out, so they basically carried me into the water and laid me down like I was being baptized. I have to say it was a very nice experience being in the water, but I did not really want to do it ever again. That was, until yesterday.

June 30, 2018, people officially mark it on your calendar as the day I conquered my fear of the ocean! I had gone to the beach with my two friends and it was unbearably hot. Even with a portable screen house, I could feel the flesh melting off my face. The only way to get cool was to get in the water. On my first try, I could not do it. Massachusetts water are FREEZING! So cold that my feet were stinging me as I was standing in it. So I just cooled off that way and went back. The next time around my friends had jumped in and went further out. I had no other choice, I had to barrel through and get in there. I made it all the way up to my chest and it was awesome. I felt just like a little kid again, jumping through the waves and freaking out when a big one came. It was weird, because in the moment when I was in the water I felt this sense of calmness.

I went back in the water one more time that afternoon and right before I got out, I was sad that I could not stay in longer. I was having so much fun and it felt like such a different experience than I ever had before. I am itching to get back to the beach and wish I could work full time from the ocean.

There is a big association of my fears with dying and I think that was why I was so scared for so long, because the ocean is so much larger than me and it very well could have ended my life in any minute. Now, I still feel this way. Everytime I approached the ocean with apprehension. I took baby steps to get in, I never ran head first. At the end of the day, I still made it in and I made it out alive. From conquering this fear, I learned a lot. It is okay to feel scared and to approach things in life with apprehension but you want to be able to live your life and experience all things, even the things that make you the most scared.

This fear seemed like the easiest for me to conquer and of course it ended with getting ice cream and a nap on the car ride home.

#fears #beach #ocean #friends #summer